Life has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, over steep ways to the stars, fulfills itself.

W. C. Doane

Friday, August 26, 2011

I'm no Beauty Queen I'm Just Beautiful Me!

I wish people would be more kind to themselves. We are surrounded every day by self degrading messages, we live in a world that doesn't really give you the room to grow as an individual. We are bombarded with distorted images of nonexistent people, leaving us to believe that these are the standards we must live up to. I wish i could scream out to every girl out there, You Dont Have To Live Up to These Ridiculous Standards!! Somehow we internalize this inability to live up to nonexistent standards and assume it means we are lacking. But what if we're not lacking, what if they are? Personally i love a good pizza, or Big Mac every now and again. I refuse to withhold the food i love from myself. Mind you i dont go out and buy a bag of chips every day but about once a week i'll treat myself to dinner at Hard Rock downtown or some tasty chocolate. I remember a time not long ago where i woud feel terrible for poppig anything in my mouth that wasn't a fruit or veggie. Now it doens't seem so bad anymore.

How many positive thoughts do you think a day? How many times can you look at a picture of yourself and not criticize? My hair looks gross my body looks lumpy, my breast look too small, too big, i wish i looked like...But WHY do you need to look like person X person Y Person Z? I used to look myself in the mirror daily and proceed with a million self deprecating thought about things I felt I needed to improve. I used to hate everything about myself and was so desperate for people to love me that i realized that I was trying much too hard.

I recently suffered from the loss of several friends. They all decided they no longer wanted me to be a part of their lives. They spread rumours and hate like the damn plague. I would sit alone in my bed at night and wonder what did that was so awful. I begged a pleaded for them to let me in. For them to explain to me what had made them so angry that would allow them to come to the conclusion that they would no longer forgive me. Then a realized. It doesn't matter. I'm not perfect (though i like to think i'm quite near to it ; P) The people who want to be in life will be. The people who love me will continue to do so despite my flaws.

I've recently discovered something about myself,(thanks in part to a good friend in Toronto and some folks i met there as well) a huge discovery that is actually relatively inconsequential but significant to my life nonetheless. I like myself! Sounds silly doesn't it? But it's true. I'd say i'm pretty darn awesome. Those negative thoughts that used to plague my mind. The persistent negative self talk about why i cant look like this or that, are quiter than they used to be. Even on this blog i remember writing about how much i wish i looked like someone else. I dont anymore. I want to look like me!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

You can always tell when Allah remembers you, Just remember Allah that's all you have to do

It's that time of the year again for us Muslims, i actually love this month. I've been going through some hard times this past year and even more so lately, so Ramadan i feel helps bring some peace to my heart. I've learned so much recently about Islam and Ramadan that i thought i'd share a bit. So just a bief side note, I fast from sunrise to sunset every day for a month. I have to say, it's been a huge help to my soul. That emptiness i feel at times seems to fill with...something i dont have words for. I guess it's just a matter of filling that void.

I spoke recently about feeling like broken glass, I'm still broken but those pieces i'm welding seem to be a little stronger. Today i found out that friends...or ex friends have been saying these things about me that are truthful a degree. But have been twisted version of the truth. They whisper things in my sister's ear so she can come back and pound me in the head with the things they told her. I just wish she understood that just as i have a void to fill so do they and the way they fill it is by making someone hurt like they do. But rather than hurting me they hurt my sister.

I feel like what's gotten me through this is prayer. My faith in God or whatever you believe to be a similar entity lifts my spirits. I was listening to this song the other day.

You can always tell when Allah remembers you
Just remember Allah, that’s all you have to do.
All you have to do to have Allah remember you
Is just remember Allah, Julla Jullalahu. (May His greatness be exalted.)

So my goal is to continue to remember God as often as i can in a day. A good friend of mine taught me the other day that if you dont pray the 5 times a day that you should you can also try saying little things about him 33 times. YOu can say things like
Alhamdulillah "Praise to God" or "All praise is due to Allah," similar to the Hebrew phrase Halelu Yah (thank you Wikipedia!)
Bismillah which is a shortened version of Bismillah-ir-Rahman-ir-Rahim, " in the name of God, the merciful and compassionate" Some tranlsations say :The most merciful the most gracious"
Mashallah 'Whatever God wills" Which often you say when your wishing someone well.

I think it'll be the quickest and most effective way to make it through these hard times. I think there's something about the knowledge of a higher power that allows me to feel better. I guess i just feel like no matter what happens and no matter how many times people try to knock me down, i'll have faith to bring me back up again. I guess it's just difficult when negativity surrounds me and it almost overwhelms me. It's one thing to try and knock me down but to do so in this underhanded way by bullying my sister so she can do the same for me in return? I just dont get why this is satisfying for them.

I know i'm a good person, i know i'll go far in life. But why is it their goal for me to be left alone...that's one thing i dont think i'll ever understand.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Dan Savage on Stephen Colbert

So i was recently watching this clip of the incredible Dan Savage on The Colbert Report. It's so fascinating because he talks about the institution of marriage and how monogamy isn't always necessary. Not that you cant be monogamous but that it's ok to have more open relationships. I think that he makes some really valid arguments, people are so hung up on this idea of monogamy that they forget that "till death do us part" is a long time. For some (not all) they might wanna experience different things that their partners may not. So without further adieu may I introduce Dan Savage...well and Stephen Colbert.

Check out the video HERE

Close Enough To Start a War, All That I have is On The Floor

Who am i?
Isnt that a loaded question? Who am I? Well…what can I say I am…for some reason my first thought was “lost.” Which leads to the sharing of my recent self discoveries. I know who i am, in fact i know myself better now than i have in the past. However, I believe that road to self discovery is till quite long and winding. I used to be someone who hated who I was and what I thought I represented. Insecurities plagued my mind, and left me searching for external means of validation. Now I feel as though I have a goal, I have a purpose and somehow I feel as though I’m closer to attaining my life's purpose.

Have you ever felt like something is so close within your grasp and somehow it's just too far to touch? That's how i currently feel, the problem is i have only the faintest idea what it is i'm reaching for. Maybe self acceptance? I was taking a walk the other night and looking up at the stars. It was so interesting to look and only see a select few. I began to wonder what it was about those stars that seemed strong enough penetrate through the atmosphere of our world? Even in a city cast so full of lights, these individual balls of candescence shine so strongly that a person can see them from any street, any rooftop, anywhere on earth. People look to them for guidance, people wish on them, when lost just look for the North Star and you'll find your way home.

Sometimes i look up and wonder what it takes to be that star. What do i need to do shine that brightly? How can I ensure my place in life? So many thoughts on my mind I find it difficult to focus on just one. I feel lost as of late. I feel as though my instincts are deceiving me, playing tricks on me and I'm so unsure as to what I should believe. On one hand i feel as though this soliloquy that ruminates daily through my mind is the only truth i should listen to, but are my personal thoughts truly that accurate? I feel like i know myself, i feel like i love myself and yet somehow a cloud of doubt still lingers within me.

I recently the target of this huge fight with several of my friends. All of which had incredibly negative things to say about me. They attacked me mercilessly and as each one shot a bullet of words i felt a piece of myself break into shards on the floor. Then they left me, and all i had were those tiny little morsels of my soul scattered around me like broken glass. For days i held on to those pieces, hoping somehow I could place them back together. I think that's when the greatest realization came. I don't have to. Maybe this was a sign that it's time to rebuild and weld new pieces, but i'm not a patient person however and i'm in a hurry to get on with life. It seems like those fragments of myself were so quick to shatter and fall and i just don't understand why it has to take so damn long to heal and grow and just move the hell on. I just wanna yell at these people. YOU broke me YOU attacked me, YOU made me feel like i had lost control over everything. Now I'M left to start over? How is that fair? Do you know how difficult it was for me to FINALLY love myself and in one fell swoop, you destroyed what was already so fragile. Even the most solid thoughts in my mind, even what i felt most confident about, they left cracks in. I hate them for it.....I hate myself for it. Sometimes i wonder why i'm so quick to move to self deprecating thoughts.

As a member of a collective that runs a sexual assault support line i was so solid, so sure in my beliefs that i was a good Support Worker and i'm not so sure at all. One person was all it person to tell me i'm not, for various reasons of her own and i soaked it all up. Such an integral part of my heart and i just watched as that crack seeped it's way through my heart and broke it.

Maybe i needed this. Maybe i needed to break so i could truly be whole. Maybe next time someone tries to break me i'll be able to stand up against the poison arrows. As Adele said: "Next time i'll be braver i'll be my own saviour, standing on my own two feet" How that song seems to ring so true to how I feel lately. Tomorrow is another day and as i place these new pieces where the old ones fell out i'll be sure to make them stronger, more durable. So one day i'll be able to believe that i'm someone special, that i'm worth fighting for. Even if i'm not all that sure right now. I know i will be. In the mean time there are people who love me as I am. Even as this crazy, insecure, unsure individual. But i'm ready to grow and though it'll take time, the foundation i build this time will be stronger