Life has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, over steep ways to the stars, fulfills itself.

W. C. Doane

Saturday, March 13, 2010

You're Already The Voice Inside My Head...I miss you

So here it is, my very first blog post. So many things i could write about, so many things i could say. Let us focus on the first thing weighing on my mind. Let us call him The Dr., he already has a PhD and is in the beginning stages of working towards another one, so i'd say it's quite fitting. I have found myself in a predicament where i miss him, quite longingly so and it frustrates me to no end. I have always been quite prideful of the fact that I am an independent woman in no need of man. Alas, I'm left to wonder if that was nothing more than a deluded fantasy on the part of a wistful young girl on the verge of adulthood. Not to say that i now "need" a man, but what if i simply feel as though I needed him, what if he was the remedies to all my ailments? Ok i'm sure i'm exagerating a little...ok alot. He may not be the one who find the cure but I have learned quite a bit.

I've learned that i'm certainly capable of falling in love. What a word. Love. One that has meaning on so many levels. A word that penetrates the hearts of so many. I feel ashamed to say it and yet i feel a sense of insight, and then again i'm left with doubt. See what mean? A plethora of emotions not one more prominent than the next. Now the question remains what to do with said emotions? Well, i guess that would be where this blog enters into the scope of my being.

Writing is an art, one that should be taken with great pride. Whether your style be more conversational, literary or even if you so chose as to write in prose it is an art form to be mindful of. A friend of mine began to blog not long ago and as i found her expressing her thoughts, her emotions and opinions of the comings and goings of life, I found myself to be quite inspired by her. So here i am today beginning my journey as a newly found blogger.

Wow what a tangent to go on, this is what happens when i alow my mind to wander! Back to reality and The Dr. I last spoke to him on Tuesday, whence I saw him at The Bill Elis Center. It was closer to 9:00pm and i asked him what he was doing there so late. First he replies with "cause i wanted to talk to you" which left my heart to flutter a little. Though knew we had a few school things to discuss, i had hoped he was not there to see a certain someone else. But of course he had to ruin it and say that he had come to see how she had done on a mid term that night. As these words escape his mouth, enter Lady May, the object of The Dr's affection, and the key to my insecurities.

Like a gust of wind blowing a chilling air over the room she came in and her presence certainly noted. She prattled on about the ideals of feminism which she had just been tested on in class, and I simply didn't want to hear another word. Not about her successes or struggles or anything of the sort. I wanted nothing more than for her to vanish into thin air. So time went on and I continued to speak with her despite my inner wishes. As we spoke with friendly faces and polite demeanor we both knew that the friendship and compassion we once had for one another was gone. Like an unspoken between two women scorned in friendship. So we left, i received a quick little hug from the Dr and off he went with Lady May.

As i walked a few feet behind, I watched the two of them, and though they did not hold hands or touch in any way, they did walk towards the school bar for a few drinks. Since that night i have not heard a word from him. He's not even online where we used to talk every night, he was always the last person i said goodnight to. Who knows, maybe i'm doing nothing more than over analyzing the situation. It has been less than a week and i miss him terribly. To be honest It's not even on a romantic level.

I miss the feel of him around me. I miss knowing i had someone by my side. I miss the affection and the laughter. I miss our subtle, or not so subtle jokes. I miss the knowledge that someone knew me that well. Someone knew me inside and out and understood me for who i was and not the persona I have placed for many. I feel a strange sense of loss i have never felt before. Was i truly in love? It's hard to say. But whatever it is I felt it is fleeting now, slowly but surely.

I used to say God placed us together for a reason, I thought it was so I could save him. Maybe it was so he could teach me to love.