Life has no smooth road for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, over steep ways to the stars, fulfills itself.

W. C. Doane

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

If i were a mocking bird i'd mock you in soft winds and silent words

Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what it must be like to be you. So thin and perfect looking. You never have to worry about what it must feel like not to be loved. What it must feel like to be alone. You leave these dark trails in your path and does it ever occur to you who you’ve hurt in the process. I have lived my life under a vale. A vale of a smile or even that of hostility but what lies behind is hurt. Year s of buried pain. Year of feeling like I’m nobody and that I don’t matter. Not to myself or to anyone else. But you’ve never had that. The world has always welcomed you with open arms and has left you in a place where you as a person 4 years my junior can bully me and cause me hurt.

You say words that cut me and slice me open, leaving the very core of myself aching. You stand on this grand pedestal where you think you have the right, where you think you have the knowledge to tell me about my beliefs. All I have is my mind and my heart and you tear away both till I have nothing but doubt. How is it fair that you can judge me? How is it fair that you can tell me that what I believe in I stupid or wrong when it is just that, a belief.

You’ve never had to face herds of people who tell you every day how ugly you are. How stupid you and how it would be absolutely impossible for anyone to ever like you, let alone love you. I’ve experienced that. I’ve experienced pain that I hope my children never have to carry. My values my beliefs all the major concepts that make me who I am have always faced questioning. You have always been strong and firm in you beliefs and values. No one has ever questioned the standards you live by, on a regular basis. You have lived in shelter, hidden by the walls of your looks and your confidence. You have had the privilege of living in a bubble I had broken younger thatn I can remember. So next time you feel the need to ridicule me and my personal vaules remember I came from a place where I had to build my stregth, you came from one where it was nurtured and honed.

Friday, May 14, 2010

I'm so angry. Let's start this off by saying that I have done nothing but work all week. I came home from yet another on call shift, which i don't mind at all, i need the hours. Ruqia wanted to go out for a while, have a few drink, some nachos and chicken wings. I was exhausted from having such a long day and while aprt of me wanted to stay home i still wanted to come out and enjoy what was left of the day.

We arrived at the pub at 9:30, my dad needed the car by 10:30. I was trying to remain conscious of the time. So i was a little uptight. The very first thing the twins do when we enter pub 101 is go back to get a smoke. Sarah' getting irritated and complaining to me about how hungry she s and how badly she just wanted to go somewhere else. Finally the twins come back and expect to order food. I'm like "it's already 9:30 there's not enough time to order and eat food" apparently this was grounds for what would later be referred to as me "killing the mood".

So they rushed to finnish their drinks despite the fact that I told them they could continue to drink but there would simply be no time to order anything to eat. It took much to long to get there and no one could even make up their minds as to where they wanted to go. we ended up at pub 101, which sarah and i both hate, and left within half an hour.

We get in the car and Sarah's already in a terrible mood. The traffic is even worse as we leave down town. We finally leave the downtown area and the twins begin to complain that they need to pee. The complaints soon turn to whines. I swear they were like friggin children. We get off the highway to drop off ruqia's friend, and of course a cop stops us! Apparently our license plate isn't visible enough. Luckily we don't get a ticket but we do get a warning. Oh and did i mention that we were extremely stressed because when he asked for sarah license and the car's registration, it turned out that our registration was expired? Joy!

So the cop disappears for a while back to his car an the twin take it upon themselves to mention yet again that they need to pee!! Really is this the time and place for such things???

Saturday, March 13, 2010

You're Already The Voice Inside My Head...I miss you

So here it is, my very first blog post. So many things i could write about, so many things i could say. Let us focus on the first thing weighing on my mind. Let us call him The Dr., he already has a PhD and is in the beginning stages of working towards another one, so i'd say it's quite fitting. I have found myself in a predicament where i miss him, quite longingly so and it frustrates me to no end. I have always been quite prideful of the fact that I am an independent woman in no need of man. Alas, I'm left to wonder if that was nothing more than a deluded fantasy on the part of a wistful young girl on the verge of adulthood. Not to say that i now "need" a man, but what if i simply feel as though I needed him, what if he was the remedies to all my ailments? Ok i'm sure i'm exagerating a little...ok alot. He may not be the one who find the cure but I have learned quite a bit.

I've learned that i'm certainly capable of falling in love. What a word. Love. One that has meaning on so many levels. A word that penetrates the hearts of so many. I feel ashamed to say it and yet i feel a sense of insight, and then again i'm left with doubt. See what mean? A plethora of emotions not one more prominent than the next. Now the question remains what to do with said emotions? Well, i guess that would be where this blog enters into the scope of my being.

Writing is an art, one that should be taken with great pride. Whether your style be more conversational, literary or even if you so chose as to write in prose it is an art form to be mindful of. A friend of mine began to blog not long ago and as i found her expressing her thoughts, her emotions and opinions of the comings and goings of life, I found myself to be quite inspired by her. So here i am today beginning my journey as a newly found blogger.

Wow what a tangent to go on, this is what happens when i alow my mind to wander! Back to reality and The Dr. I last spoke to him on Tuesday, whence I saw him at The Bill Elis Center. It was closer to 9:00pm and i asked him what he was doing there so late. First he replies with "cause i wanted to talk to you" which left my heart to flutter a little. Though knew we had a few school things to discuss, i had hoped he was not there to see a certain someone else. But of course he had to ruin it and say that he had come to see how she had done on a mid term that night. As these words escape his mouth, enter Lady May, the object of The Dr's affection, and the key to my insecurities.

Like a gust of wind blowing a chilling air over the room she came in and her presence certainly noted. She prattled on about the ideals of feminism which she had just been tested on in class, and I simply didn't want to hear another word. Not about her successes or struggles or anything of the sort. I wanted nothing more than for her to vanish into thin air. So time went on and I continued to speak with her despite my inner wishes. As we spoke with friendly faces and polite demeanor we both knew that the friendship and compassion we once had for one another was gone. Like an unspoken between two women scorned in friendship. So we left, i received a quick little hug from the Dr and off he went with Lady May.

As i walked a few feet behind, I watched the two of them, and though they did not hold hands or touch in any way, they did walk towards the school bar for a few drinks. Since that night i have not heard a word from him. He's not even online where we used to talk every night, he was always the last person i said goodnight to. Who knows, maybe i'm doing nothing more than over analyzing the situation. It has been less than a week and i miss him terribly. To be honest It's not even on a romantic level.

I miss the feel of him around me. I miss knowing i had someone by my side. I miss the affection and the laughter. I miss our subtle, or not so subtle jokes. I miss the knowledge that someone knew me that well. Someone knew me inside and out and understood me for who i was and not the persona I have placed for many. I feel a strange sense of loss i have never felt before. Was i truly in love? It's hard to say. But whatever it is I felt it is fleeting now, slowly but surely.

I used to say God placed us together for a reason, I thought it was so I could save him. Maybe it was so he could teach me to love.